Long Live The Lord
by girlwiththeuglyshoes
Summary: Lord Tubbington of the Pierce Empire is at war with his persistent nemises who constantly invades HIS territory and claims HIS human.
1. Chapter 1

**Long Live The Lord**

Summary: Lord Tubbington of the Pierce Empire is at war with his persistent nemises who constantly invades HIS territory and claims HIS human.

Disclaimers: I don't own anything. This is just for fun. There will be some cursing.

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Chapter 1

Bloody hell! There she was again, the cat observed, the _other_ cheerleader stretched out on HIS bed, relaxing, waiting for HIS human in HIS territory. How dare she! After Santana's absence for several days, Lord Tubbington was tempted to declare victory.

Alas, it was not meant to be. It was just another lost battle. The cat narrowed his eyes at his opponent and gave the cheerleader a look of disdain. Yes, Santana Lopez, the hussy was back. All the hard work for nothing.

Sighing, the cat partly blamed himself because he celebrated too early, let his guard down, and enjoyed the increased attention of HIS human, Brittany, too carelessly. Once Santana, the wanker, stopped showing up, Brittany often stayed in bed, listened to music on her iPod, cuddled with the Lord, cried and sniffled. The cat reckoned that maybe the weather was probably too cold for HIS human.

After several blissful days of undisputed and peaceful dominion in his empire, Lord Tubbington had to get ready for battle again, back to intelligence gathering, spying missions, five-steps-ahead strategic planning and also physical threats such as scratching and biting. It couldn't be helped. But he was Lord Tubbington and he could do it. Actually, Lord Tubbington was the title he assumed when he conquered this realm. His human, Brittany, said that "Lord Tubbington" was the British equivalent of Lady Gaga, another aristocrat far away. Then she mumbled something about having 'British shorthair' even though the cat would say that Brittany's hair was quite long. The humans living here paid their respects by worshipping Lord Tubbington with food, toys and other goods. That's why the cat spared them their lives and allowed them to stay in his empire. A sovereign needed his servants after all.

Back to the matter at hand, though, his arch nemesis, Santana, was quite persistent. She keeps coming back like bloody bad 80ies pop songs. This time Lord Tubbington had to devise a plan, so evil, it will crush Santana, the pain in his arse, for good. TOTAL annihilation!

He just didn't know how to accomplish that quite yet. He would have to retreat and meditate on this matter for a while. Patience is a virtue, they say. He shall conquer this!

Why yes, a nap should help.

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It all started several weeks after Lord Tubbington was instated in the Pierce Empire. It has come to his attention that this one human was visiting quite often. The cat tolerated the visitor because he was not a tyrant. His realm was open to anyone submitting to him and paying their dues.

But one afternoon everything changed. Santana, the visitor was in his territory again. Lord Tubbington was too busy to deal with a mere human and couldn't be bothered during his tea time. Well, technically he didn't drink tea because he didn't like the taste but still it was time for his afternoon snack. A little cat biscuit would just hit the spot. He waited patiently in kitchen but HIS human, Brittany, didn't show up, not even little Brittany, the smaller version of the HIS human. Quite perplexed the cat went to see what was keeping HIS human. He hoped it wasn't something serious. All his subjects are under his protection. He just didn't have the energy to fight off some pirate squirrels since he missed his afternoon snack and, thus, felt rather peckish.

When he entered HIS human's quarters he got a bloody eye full of Brittany snogging the visitor on her bed. What a scandal! Not to escalate the situation further, he cleared his throat politely, which came out as a 'miaow' sound. This went unnoticed so he resorted to scratching the bed post. Oh dear, this was such an awkward situation. He will have to talk to HIS human about discretion some time in private.

When all his tactics failed, Lord Tubbington climbed up on the bed and examined the situation more closely. Now he understood. The two cheerleaders seemed to have melted together. Their limbs were entangled; hands were roaming around their bodies, probably in search of an escape. Judging by their moans the two were obviously in distress. Lord Tubbington in all his selflessness was prepared to claw off one or two of their limbs in order to save them both. He laid a paw on nearest spot on their bodies and extended his claws into dark skin.

"Ow," Santana shrieked and sat up straight.

"What's the matter Santana? Didn't you like our lady kisses?" Brittany asked in confusion.

"No, it's your humongous devil cat. He tried to kill me!" Santana rubbed her wounded skin.

The other girl held her hands around Lord Tubbington's ears and scolded her friend, "San! Don't say that in front of him. He's very sensitive about his weight."

Lord Tubbington accepted HIS human's thanks when she cuddled him and rubbed his belly which reminded him of his missed afternoon snack. With a pointed 'miaow' to signal HIS human to follow him he jumped back on floor and strutted out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Lord Tubbington was strict but he took his responsibilities seriously. He was a fair monarch. So why would his servants hide from him? And why did they always hide at the same time every day? They would always vanish in the mornings and return in the afternoon or evening.

HIS human, Brittany, was always the first to emerge from hiding. She would then prepare a king's feast for him.

In his bowl.

Thereafter he indulges in two and half minutes of bliss and uninhibited satisfaction of one of his basic needs without a care for decorum and modesty. A full tummy is, well, he can't really think of a clever proverb at the moment... His highness was busy helping himself to seconds.

Lord Tubbington noticed that Brittany had a lady caller nearly every afternoon. It was another girl dressed in the same colors as Brittany. They would huddle up in HIS human's room and the visitor would draw all attention away from him. He could find solace with HIS other human, little Brittany, a miniature version of the taller blonde girl. He was quite fond of her even though she was not as well trained as the taller one. Little Brittany could get a little rough when she entertained him with cuddling and playing. Well, she was little, after all, and didn't know better.

Soon Lord Tubbington learned that the visitor was called Santana. It was disdain at first sight, actually, at first sound. He could hear her before he saw her. She was complaining all the way from the outside right until she was inside and then proceeded until she was in Brittany's room. The lord didn't like that at all. He just couldn't understand why HIS sweet innocent human would associate with someone like THAT.

One day, to add insult to injury, the obnoxious girl dared to close the door to Brittany's room right in his face. To say Lord Tubbington was offended was an understatement.

Even Brittany gasped, "Santana, you locked Tubby out."

Brittany opened the door. Lord Tubbington strutted in with his nose held high. Brittany scoped him up in her arms and gave him a light massage.

"Lord Tubbington, say 'hi' to Santana." She took one of his paws and waved to the other girl who had sat herself on the bed. The cat actually hissed.

"Put the fleabag down, Britt Britt."

"But Santana, he's been alone in the house all day. I have to comprehend."

"Compensate."

"Yes, yes. I'm doing it right now."

Santana threw herself on the bed with a dramatic sigh and closed her eyes. Brittany sat herself on the bed too, still with Lord Tubbington in her arms, and nudged Santana's leg.

"So, uhm, you know with the holidays coming up. Mom and Dad want to take my sister and me to Disneyland."

Hearing the news, Santana opened one eye and looked at Brittany curiously.

Lord Tubbington also heard this for the first time. What is this? He didn't remember sending his humans to another land. He couldn't recollect any pressing diplomatic issues.

"How long will you be gone?" Santana interrupted his thoughts.

"About a week."

"What? No lady kisses for a week?"

"I'll make it up to you." Brittany smiled seductively. She leaned down. Her lips were nearly touching her girlfriend's.

Santana anticipated the kiss with excitement. Just when she was about to engulf Brittany, the blonde pulled away.

"You know, Lord Tubby here, will be all alone," she looked expectantly at the other girl.

Grasping the situation Santana shrieked, "No. Just no!"

"San! Just look at Tubby Pierce." Brittany held the cat close to herself, "Baby Pierce will be ALL ALONE for a week."

"That's okay, babe. I will find him THE best cat hotel in Lima." Santana smirked with triumph.

Lord Tubbington's ears perked up. Hotel? Is that a reference to a spa facility? Well, if they insisted, he could use a vacation. Just think of all the massages.

"Santana, it's like putting him in a prison. They won't take time to play with him. And he'll be probably locked up all day. That'll lead to diseases." With every breath she worked herself more in a hysteric state, "And I know all about cat diseases!"

"Britt Britt, calm down," Santana hugged her, "Ok, so what? I'll just come over every other day and feed him, right?"

Brittany relaxed visibly.

"Yeah, but you have to come over to feed him every day. I'll leave you the recipes." She stood up, went to her desk to retrieve a sheet of paper with prewritten instructions in crayon.

Santana was baffled, "Brittany, did you plan this all along?"

"No, I just thought about all the things to do _when_ you say yes and prepared this list."

"You mean if?"

"No. When. Because you always say yes."

Santana was just stunned. She fell for it all. Hook, line and sinker. Again.

"And don't forget to play with him too." Brittany added.

So Santana did the only thing she could in this situation. She rolled her eyes.

Lord Tubbington was bored. The massage has stopped and HIS human's attention has been drawn away by the visitor. Obviously Satan just has to huff and puff and she will be rewarded with hugs and kisses. Should he stoop to this level and try the same tactics? Pressing matters at hand he decided to pay a visit to Little Brittany and interrogate her about the travel plans to this other 'land'.

XXX

So the dreaded week has come. Neither Santana nor Lord Tubbington were looking forward it. They both watched from the living room as the Pierces put their suitcases into the family van.

Lord Tubbington would never admit this publicly but he was worried about his humans. They would be gone longer than usual. Who would protect them if something happened?

"Be careful!" he miaowed.

Santana looked at the cat and patted him roughly on the head.

"Yeah, I know. I miss her already."

Brittany came back into the house.

"Thanks San for watching Lord Tubby, here."

She grabbed the cat and hugged him. "Oh Tubby, be good for Santana. Oh, I will miss you so much. When I get back, we have to talk about your diet."

With a loud kiss she let the cat go and focused her attention back to Santana.

"Sanny, I'll bring you back the biggest tea cup, I promise!" Brittany leaned in for a kiss but was surprised to find Santana pushing her away.

"Ew, I'm not going to kiss you after you kissed the furball."

Brittany pouted, "But we won't see each other for a week!"

"Yeah, well, I'm still not going to get the taste of bad cat mouth breath on me."

Brittany ignored a reluctant Santana and planted a big one on Santana, who then relented.

After a while, Mrs Pierce came into the house to drag Brittany away, while thanking Santana on their way out for watching over the house.

So there he was. Alone in his palace. Watching his humans go. Lord Tubbington felt quite a bit lonely. Well, as lonely as one can be with his arch nemesis standing there right next to him.

He looked at her expectantly. She should take her leave soon.


End file.
